What to Do If You Regret Breaking Up, According to a Neuroscientist

This is a good time to practice radical acceptance. The ability to tolerate our feelings, even the painful ones, is a sign of emotional health and a necessary skill for good relationships.

4. Get analytical.

In general, are you an anxious person who tends to self-doubt? And if so, is the issue really regret about the loss of the relationship or simply concerns about your own decision-making?

Or, if you’re being completely honest, do you see a pattern repeating across your relationships? Do you tend to make decisions from insecurities or fears? If so, take time to explore your attachment style as well as the particular way you view your own needs and anticipate how willing other people will be to help you meet them. To dive even deeper, read my book Why Good Sex Matters to help you better understand and operate your own attachment wiring.

5. Use this energy to develop yourself.

Have a look at some of these relationship skills that people who do relationships effectively practice. The good news is that these skills can be learned. Each relationship holds an opportunity to learn more about yourself and how to partner with another.

6. Break it down and break through.

Through understanding aspects of your own relational road map, you can become a more complete person going forward. One tool is to think about how we, as a culture, view what we expect of ourselves and each other. Regardless of your gender or sexual orientation, there are power struggles that go on in our relationships that are heavily influenced by old, outdated notions of gender roles and expectations that drive conflict. So for example, if you tend to think it’s your job to be nurturing (typically feminine role), and you aren’t nurturing yourself, you’ll probably develop resentment. Likewise, if your partner thinks it’s your job to do most of the heavy lifting to provide for your family (typically masculine role) and you don’t, they’ll probably resent you.

If you tend to be impulsive and rush into action without contemplation, you might be too quick to end a relationship and move on. Hence regrets. One aspect of our relational selves that could be better developed in us all is the "passive" role or the ability to observe ourselves and each other with curiosity and insight, without rushing into action or reaction.

The bottom line is that the more conscious and more flexible we are about what we expect of ourselves and each other, the better relationships will flow.

7. Get closure.

Now that you have a better handle on what led to the breakup, think about organizing a conversation with your ex to explore what needs to be done in order for you to walk away feeling more complete with the relationship. See if you can find a way to let go with love.

If that’s not possible to do in person, you can get more closure with the partner by writing down your thoughts and feelings, incorporating what you’ve learned. You can send the letter (or not). The most important thing is getting clear on your own growth through this experience so that you are one step closer to creating lasting love.

Nan Wise, Ph.D., is an AASECT certified sex therapist, neuroscientist, certified relationship expert, and author of Why Good Sex Matters: Understanding the Neuroscience of Pleasure for a Smarter, Happier, and More Purpose-Filled Life. Follow her @AskDoctorNan.