We Do It While Driving: 5 Secrets About Masturbation No Guy Wants You to Know
I don't mean to brag, but I'm quite the experienced masturbator.
Not just doing it but discussing, writing, and theorizing about it too. For example, I still maintain that masturbation is nothing like sex and everything like eating McDonald's.
From years of research both in the lab and in the field, I've discovered five universal truths, all of which he's been hiding from you. Welcome to the chamber of secrets.
An American pastime.
Secret #1. We've all been caught.
By someone: a parent, a sibling, a roommate, or, for two of my friends respectively, the exterminator or the mailman. I'm no exception: One time in high school, I was blasting a video through my headphones late at night—until I realized the headphones were unplugged. Woke the entire house, I'm sure. It's happened to all guys, whether through an unlocked door or through an uncleared search history, whether through carelessness or sheer probability.
Secret #2. We've all done it with weird stuff.
We're curious creatures by nature. That's why all guys experiment with a myriad of lubricants. What kinds, you ask?
Walk into your bathroom, and take note of any liquid, gel, or aerosol the TSA would require in 3.4-ounce container in a clear ziplock bag. Do the same in your bedroom. Now in your garage. Now in your kitchen (don't forget to open the fridge). Those. He's tried all of those.
"And, because men are prone to experiments but not always to careful consideration, we've all learned not to use shampoo, conditioner, Vaseline, hair gel, Thousand Island, or anything from the garage the hard way. When it comes to lubricants, it's trial by fire—mostly due to the burning sensation."
Secret #3. We've all done it to weird stuff.
The Internet is the easy choice for visual stimulation, but many times, it's not an option. Maybe he doesn't have time. Or privacy. Or Wi-Fi. But, as any guy will tell you, the show must go on. That's why we get resourceful. And by "resourceful," I mean desperate.
