Reader's Dilemma: Am I Overreacting to My Boyfriend's Obsessive "Family Friend"?
I told him that if his "friendship" with her is more important than my feelings, then maybe we should spend some time apart. All they have is a texting friendship. He hardly even texts her back. He never sees her. I don't understand this obsession! Am I wrong for thinking she's crazy and wanting him to put an end to this? What should I do?
OK, I definitely don't think you are wrong for wanting this girl to back off. But to me, your biggest problem here isn't her—it's your boyfriend. I'm really suspicious of his behavior.
Don't get me wrong—from what you've said, she sounds like bad news. You have every right to be furious that she is texting your boyfriend to come over and asking him to justify his feelings for you. Family friend, meet my friend, Boundaries. I think you two should get to know each other.
However, the person who should be responsible for letting her know that this is unacceptable is your guy, and he clearly isn't. And what's worse than him not taking a stand against it is his quick dismissal of your (totally valid) feelings. Alarm bells are blaring in my head, I'm sorry.
Even if we give him the benefit of the doubt—you say things have been amazing with him, he's obviously not keeping her texts a secret since you know about them, and maybe, just maybe, he has a legit reason for not wanting to confront her (not wanting to offend his family, perhaps?)—it still doesn't justify the fact that his immediate response was to turn the situation around on you and act like you're making a big deal out of nothing. Uh, this girl is basically stalking him. That's not nothing, even if he's not acting on her advances.
Now, I'm not even saying there is something going on he's not telling you (even though the "You're crazy" response to a woman's suspicions is generally a bad sign). It might really all be perfectly innocent on his end, and he might really think it's no big deal or he may just plain feel bad for this girl. But even so, he should respect your feelings enough to listen to you rationally and come up with a plan to handle this in a way that makes you both comfortable. It doesn't seem like he remotely tried to do that, and that's not fair.
It seems like you guys kind of had a blowup about this, and that's where you are now. Frankly, I think the ball is in his court now, and if he doesn't come to you with an apology and a willingness to talk about it, then you should move on. If you feel like you need to clear the air though, I'd set aside a time to talk, and say to him, "I'm sorry that things got out of control when we last discussed this, so I want to try to talk about it calmly now. I don't want you to feel that I don't trust you, but I am extremely uncomfortable with her behavior. I'd like to figure out how to deal with this situation so we can both relax about it." If he can't even give you the courtesy of a serious conversation about her behavior, I don't think he's much of a boyfriend to you at all. Leave him to his "friend" if that's the case.
What would you do in our reader's shoes? Do you agree that her boyfriend is being unfair to her?
P.S. Do you have a dilemma you want to talk about on Smitten? I'm all ears. Email me at .
Dealing with jealousy (sometimes it's justified!):
Why Sometimes It's OK to Be the Jealous Girlfriend
Do You Get Jealous of Your Man's Female Friends?
The 5 Secrets to Ease Your Jealous Partner
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