"My Guy Proposed—but I Don't Think He Wants to Marry Me!" (I Don't Think So Either. Sorry)
Young woman with mussed hair at home
Writes Save the Date reader Sarah:
My guy proposed at Christmastime, which was great. Not so great: He won't let me set a wedding date. Or even TALK about wedding details. We aren't planning a huge, fancy wedding (it will be my second marriage), and we've lived together for two years, so I know finances aren't an issue, and it's not like I'm rushing him. But he claims he feels "pressured." Why propose if you don't want to get married, as he says, "for, like, five or six years"?
Sometimes I think he's joking, but other times I think he's being serious. I'm SO frustrated! I want to set the date for August 2015, but I'm afraid to start planning. What can I say to get him as excited as I am? Help!
Here are my thoughts:
Look, obviously I'm not there for your conversations, so I can't pick up on their nuances or his "wink, wink" jokey tone. But my instinct is this: This guy doesn't want to marry you.
You've already been together for two-plus years (assuming you didn't move in together the day you met), and he doesn't want to get married "for, like, five or six" more? Obviously there are some circumstances that dictate a longer engagement—you need to save money, you're both super- oung, you're both in school, one of you is being deployed—but since you didn't mention any of the above, it sounds like he's just dragging his feet.
That said, the only way to find out whether he really wants to marry you is to ask him. Cook a nice meal (or order some nice takeout, Kim style) so you can sit down at the dinner table and have a face-to-face, TV-off discussion. I'd start with, "I was SO excited when you proposed, and I'm so excited for our wedding in a few years, but I feel like we're not on the same page. When do you see us getting married?" If he pulls the "like, five or six years" nonsense, I think you have to straight-up ask him, "Do you really want a six-year engagement? I was hoping to plan our wedding for August of 2015. Why do you think we should wait?"
