Justin Bieber Roast: 21 Funniest Jokes
The Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber set out to give him the "ass-whoopin' he deserves", according to host Kevin Hart, and, oh, what a hysterical, tears-inducing whoopin' it was. The dais included Ludacris, Snoop Dogg, Shaquille O'Neal, Martha Stewart, Hannibal Burress, Chris D'Elia, Natasha Leggero, Pete Davidson, and Jeff Ross—and each came out firing with numerous zingers about d**ks, Selena Gomez, Kevin Hart's petite-ness, and, oddly enough, even ISIS. Here are 21 of the funniest (while keeping it as appropriate as possible).
"Justin Bieber has tens of millions of fans. Most of them are either in middle school or standing 500 feet away from one." —Kevin Hart
"Usually when I see this many brothers sitting together, Maury Povich about to open an envelope." —Kevin Hart
"Wow, Ludacris and Snoop Dogg are here. If I was 38, I'd be freaking out right now." —Pete Davidson
"Shaq's fingers are so big that every text he's ever sent is just every letter of the alphabet at the same damn time." —Ludacris
"Kevin [Hart] was at my wedding because I needed a miniature black man on my cake, so thank you for that." —Ludacris
"Kevin, you are everywhere. He's actually going to be on the next season of Game of Thrones. He's playing Peter Dinklage's shadow." —Natasha Leggero
"Snoop, you look like Shaq's skeleton." —Natasha Leggero
"Justin's fans are called Beliebers because these days it's politically incorrect to use the term retards." —Natasha Leggero
"Justin, Selena Gomez had to f**k you. She's literally the least lucky Selena in all of entertainment history." —Natasha Leggero
"Justin has a tattoo of Jesus on his calf. Why you gotta bring Jesus into your mess? The man has suffered enough." —Shaq
"People don't realize this, but those 'I Can't Breathe' T-shirts? They were about Shaq's last season on the Celtics." —Chris D'Elia
"Justin, you have it all—except for respect, love, friends, good parents, and a Grammy." —Chris D'Elia
"Listening to you yell your jokes for the past hour is the hardest time I've ever done." —Martha Stewart
"Snoop, you look like a retired WNBA player." —Jeff Ross
"Face it, Biebs, you've become a cocky little shit. You are the King Joffrey of pop." —Jeff Ross
"It's amazing to have Shaq and Kevin [Hart] here—is this a roast or is this Tyler Perry's Of Mice and Men?" —Hannibal Burress
"I hate your music more than Bill Cosby hates my comedy." —Hannibal Burress
"Justin Bieber is a man...a man who sings songs for nine-year-olds and cuts his hair like a gay figure skater." —Ron Burgundy
"Luda...I feel like I've known you my whole life, but that's just because you look like the Mr. Potato Head I had as a kid." —Justin Bieber
"Luda and I spent a lot of hours making 'Baby' together. In fact, he told me it was the only baby he'd ever made on purpose." —Justin Bieber.
"I'm new to comedy, but here's a joke: What do you get when you give a teenager $200 million? A bunch of has-beens calling you a lesbian for two hours." —Justin Bieber
What joke from the roast had you cracking up the hardest?
