Every Single Episode of Gossip Girl, Ranked

Nate and Serena make Chuck and Blair sign a peace treaty. A literal treaty. But Serena’s the one who needs a contract because she is simply too attracted to her professor to think straight. Meanwhile, Juliet's camera catches Serena kissing her professor/Juliet’s cousin, while another camera has captured Blair singing to Chuck. For some reason this is SO embarrassing. Robyn performs, and Rachel Zoe gets a bowl of chocolate sauce dumped on her head.

GASLIT (4.10)

Because it’s Thanksgiving, we take a break from talking about waffles to talk about pies. (As if any of these characters eat carbs on a regular basis.) Lily isn’t speaking to Serena because they got in a fight—and also because Serena has been kidnapped, but Lily doesn’t know that yet. Nate’s parents are getting divorced. Chuck and Blair are uncomfortable around each other when they aren’t having sex. And because they aren’t having sex, they’re uncomfortable. Everyone goes to the hospital to see Serena. Vanessa and Jenny are like, What dark forces hath we called upon our friend Serena? And then everyone spends the rest of the episode like this:

"I have to tell the truth."

“Don’t.”

“OK.”

“Now I’m telling the truth.”

“I’m mad at you for that.”

“I’m mad at you for being mad at me.”

“Let’s run away together.”

“Let’s not.”

“OK.”

THE KIDS ARE NOT ALRIGHT (4.12)

The good news: Juliet is gone, and our new mysterious girl is Raina Thorpe, played by Tika Sumpter, who is a gem. The bad news: Our current plots are about an affidavit, a business deal, two paroles, and two internships. Thrilling. I wish we were watching Lily scheme her way back into power instead of sheepishly selling Bass Industries with one hand and trying to control the Ben scandal with the other. And look, I get that Serena is not Dan’s intellectual equal. Maybe if he and Blair were bonding over literature, I might (MIGHT) be able to get behind it. But movies? That’s his thing with Vanessa.

THE SIXTEEN YEAR OLD VIRGIN (3.15)

Chuck is being sued for sexual harassment, big surprise. I’m glad this episode didn’t actually go the route of the lying, money-hungry woman stereotype. Instead, there’s a Twist™. It’s his mom, uncle, and lawyer, and they want his hotel—but it’s OK because Chuck has Blair and Lily and a new sense of emotional openness. Unlike Lily, who is lying to Rufus about sleeping with her ex when really he’s been treating her for cancer, but that’s another Twist™. Jack makes a de rigueur apology for trying to rape Lily by claiming he was on a number of substances, including meth. Lily’s like, Please go away. Dan and Vanessa are being secretive about their relationship for reasons unknown, but Vanessa thirst traps Dan and now they’re good. Meanwhile, Nate, Jenny, Serena, and Damien are in a four-way standoff over Jenny’s virginity. Serena comes up with an unbelievably stupid plan to break them up and is like, Nate? Why would you think calling Rufus would work? You make no sense! Then Nate tries to just talk Jenny out of it, and Jenny’s like, Nate? Why would you have a problem with drug dealers? It’s not like your father ended up in rehab for his drug addiction. You make no sense! Then Nate and Serena are in love, and Jenny’s like, Losing my V is a big deal. But Damien’s like, Let’s talk about it after we fuck, and Jenny’s like, Please go away. So, she is sad and listens to the Dirty Dancing soundtrack.