Deadbeat dads: A strain on the family’s mental health

Deadbeat dads should be flogged. No, really, they should. Because while the question above might sound rhetorical in nature, there is no denying that the answer is a lot. Apart from the physical neglect and the financial stress that is placed on the family they leave behind, there is also the psychological trauma that is inflicted.

Nigeria, as it is known, is still pretty much inside its shell when it comes to liberalism; we’re still as conservative as conservative can be, and families with single parents usually bear this… stigma from outsiders, whether or not it is intended. The premise of a nuclear family, as we learned in social studies, is daddy, mummy and the children, and any kind of disruption to this equation, for whatever reason, feels wrong. Even if it is not the family’s fault.

Hence, this is why members of such families often coast through life feeling like victims or even criminals guilty of a crime, and why it is usually a touchy subject for them, whereas it isn’t their fault. No, they just happened to have been saddled with an irresponsible individual as a parent or spouse. Do you now see why I said that deadbeat dads should be flogged? Using one of those kobokos with six mouths, and wielded by a very angry soldier.

Or better still, by Doctore from Spartacus.

This man dey flog shege!

And before you begin to think that men are the only guilty ones, women can also be guilty of being deadbeat parents. However, our focus today is on the so-called heads of the family who turned tail and ran (pun probably not intended).

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Table of Content hide 1Who is a deadbeat dad? 2Signs of a potential deadbeat dad 2.1Commitment issues 2.2Pregnancy conversations are a no-go area 2.3Abusive 2.4Offers little to no support 3Characteristics of a deadbeat dad 3.1Absence from their children’s lives 3.2Making life difficult for the mother 3.3Always making time for other people 3.4Refusal to sacrifice for their children 3.5Using their children to fight their mother 4How to deal with deadbeat dads 4.1Refuse to be a victim 4.2Get a father figure 4.3Seek legal help 4.4Forgive. But Don’t Forget 4.5Reconciliation 4.6Go and be great

Who is a deadbeat dad?

A deadbeat dad is one who fails to pay regular child support, even after being ordered by the court to do so. However, given that the concept of child support is not particularly enforced in Nigeria, a deadbeat dad can be described as one who abandons his family and his duties to them for whatever reason. They are also known as absentee fathers.

Now, it should be noted that not all deadbeat dads are such by choice; some might not have the capacity or resources to take care of the family, which is probably why they left in the first place. However, when you knew that you didn’t have the power to take care of a family, why start one in the first place?

I know that some of my views and thoughts might seem uncompromising and inflexible sometimes, but unfortunately, I am just examining matters through a lens of reason. Yes, life happens, and mistakes or circumstances can arise that spiral out of human control, but that doesn’t exempt people from the responsibility of their actions.

And no matter what might have happened, abandoning the family just makes it worse. Be it due to shame, despair, or straight-up selfishness, the fact remains that a vow was sworn which said for better or worse. And it has been broken.

Signs of a potential deadbeat dad

Commitment issues

A man who is not ready to commit and settle down will most likely turn out to be a deadbeat father. Unwillingness to meet his girlfriend’s parents or even her close relatives is a clear sign that he is not ready to settle down; hence, any kids that jump down from heaven during that period will suffer for it.

Pregnancy conversations are a no-go area

A man who always avoids conversations that have to do with pregnancy and parenthood will most likely run away when it comes. During the courtship stage, every time the matter turns towards pregnancy or kids, he finds a way to kill the story or divert matters.

This is a clear sign that he is not yet ready to become a father. In fact, when he is informed that pregnancy has arrived, he might announce outrightly that he will not be a part of it because he never wanted it. On the other hand, a man who will stick around will be very keen when the topic is introduced.

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Abusive

An abusive man who has already unsheathed claws during the early stages of a relationship will most probably do worse after marriage or when his wife is pregnant. He will take advantage of the pregnancy to mistreat his wife, and such a person is likely to disappear after she gives birth.

Offers little to no support

If he offers little support during pregnancy, chances are he is going to be a deadbeat father. Shey na pesin wey no send you when you get belle, na hin wan take care of pikin? If he is going to be there for the baby, he would have shown this during pregnancy by offering staunch and unwavering support through all nine months.

Characteristics of a deadbeat dad

Absence from their children’s lives

Deadbeat dads are best identified by their glaring absence in their children’s lives, both emotionally and physically. They usually have little to no relationships with their kids because, for most of their lives, they have not been present. Deadbeat dads provide no emotional or financial support for their children.

When it comes to important details about their kids, they know zilch. Shoe size? Nope! Favorite foods? Nah! Preferences and allergies? Mbanu! School and class? For where?

Making life difficult for the mother

Deadbeat dads are bad news, with their only real talent being that they excel at making life difficult for the mothers of the children who have been saddled with the responsibility of lessening the impact of their absence on the children. Peradventure, anything goes wrong, and the kids start exhibiting certain behaviors, of course it is the woman’s fault.

Some even go as far as blaming the women for the downward tangent of their own lives and why they are unable to provide for the family. These women are also the reason the children hate them, never mind that the kids are not blind or dumb.

Always making time for other people 

These men are always so obsessed with proving that they’re not useless or deadbeats that they always strive to make time for others to create the illusion that they are responsible. And it is ironic that merely half of this effort if focused on their family, will make a lot of difference, but no! They are “the greatest showmen”. The man is good! Tuale!

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Refusal to sacrifice for their children

The trademark of deadbeat dads is their refusal to make sacrifices for their children. They always put themselves and their needs first, caring only about their satisfaction at the expense of their family’s happiness. They are always broke. They never have money to take care of their children’s needs, yet their needs are always met.

That’s why you will see a man go and buy a car for himself while his kids still owe school fees. They don’t contribute financially and emotionally to the upbringing of their children.

Using their children to fight their mother

Deadbeat dads also seek to use the kids as weapons to fight their mothers by telling them terrible things about their mothers while refusing to point out their own failings.

All of these might sound petty and childish, but that is how deadbeat dads are: petty and childish. And in so doing, they hurt and scar these children with their words and actions.

How to deal with deadbeat dads

Refuse to be a victim

As mentioned above, people with deadbeat dads often subconsciously feel like victims. They feel like they are somehow incomplete and that they are going to grow up with some kind of deficiency because they have an absentee father. This is wrong; one person can do the work of two people just fine. It will just be a little harder, but in the end, even with a deadbeat father, you can turn out better than someone who grew up with two parents.

Get a father figure

Just because someone donated a few million sperm cells doesn’t make him your dad; fathers come in many shapes, ways, and forms that are not necessarily limited to biology. So stop crying over spilled milk and take a look at the wonderful male role models in your life. Oftentimes, we have a tendency to overlook the blessings we have in our life, simply because we’re focused on what we think we lack.

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But it is important to keep all things in perspective.

Seek legal help

Can you sue a deadbeat dad? Hell yeah! Even in Nigeria, gone are the days when marriage and family used to be exempt from the law; now, the state is allowed to interfere in such matters. The woman might have loved or may even still love the father, but it reaches a point where there might be no alternative other than seeking legal help.

After all, you’re going to be the one making sacrifices for the children’s wellbeing. The Office of the Public Defender is available to this end.

And if you’re going to take things to court, it is important to keep records of your interactions. This can range from your message chats to screenshots of his posts, emails, and audio. These can be quite helpful, especially if he is the lying type, in order to prevent falling victim to mind games.

Forgive. But Don’t Forget

Holding a grudge against someone is just giving them space to live in your head rent-free, so let go of all that bitterness and anger. Stop giving them so much power over you. Do not let your reaction to their mere name be a predictable scowl or an instant change of mood, because some deadbeat dads even get off on that. Forgive them.

Yes, it is easier said than done, and it will take time and may even hurt at first, but it gets easier since you don’t have to deal with them again.

However, some deadbeat dads have no shame, and once the children have made it (without an iota of their help), they will come back and start seeking forgiveness. And that is when you start hearing crap like, “he’s your dad, you have to forgive him.” A case in point is that of popular twins Twinzlove whose father abandoned them at a young age, only to return years later after they’ve made it, pleading for forgiveness.

This is another trademark move of deadbeat dads; wanting to reap after years of abandoning the farm. Well, they want forgiveness, right? They can have it. In spades. Forgiveness is easy. Forgetting, however… well, that’s another case entirely.

Reconciliation

Do deadbeat dads ever change? While I would like to shout a resounding NO! and insist that you cut him off, the truth is that all humans change at one point or another. A deadbeat father may come to his senses one day and decide to try and make up for his mistakes and return to his children’s lives. However, this is rare and only happens in cases of men who indeed tried but could not provide for their families, so sometimes it is good to give them second chances.

However, reconciliation should never be done instantly. Take time to analyze and process whether his presence is really needed and what impact it will have, and also, be sure that he is indeed telling the truth and that he has truly changed before deciding to let him in again.

Go and be great

Really, there is no better way to get back at a deadbeat dad than this. Making it in life. While revenge is not your primary reason for becoming successful (although it does make for one hell of a motivation), there is no denying that feeling that you get when you later meet in the future, and you’re able to show him that, despite his absence, your mother was up to the task and you have done well without him.

In fact, this may be the reason why he will come back begging. That’s the way deadbeat dads are.

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