Beauty and the Beast Remake Starring Emma Watson

Harry Potter Easter eggs are encouraged. I would welcome Belle muttering "Obliviate!" under her breath. I would be similarly happy to see Alan Rickman, in a Snape-ish state, playing the armoire.

Now, let's get something straight: The Beast needs to be ugly. I'm not looking for a hipster Beast. I'm not looking for Emile Hirsch with a six-pack and a wild beard that everyone points at and goes What, it's like sexy ugly! No. Teeth better be jacked up, and cobalt blue waistcoats better be comically small.

I have some thoughts on the setting of "Bonjour." It should be shot in a real French village—that will then be turned into a place adult women can visit, and star in their own "Bonjour" sequence, for a modest sum. If you need me, I'll be reading on the fountain, telling sheep the plot of my book.

All of this said, let it be known—I am flexible on all of the above, so long as the casting of the house ensemble is as follows: Marion Cotillard as Fifi, Meryl Streep as Mrs. Potts, Billy Eichner as Cogsworth, and Mahershala Ali as Lumiere. Thank you for your time.