All Couples Fight: 11 Therapist-Approved Tips to Argue Fairly

John Gottman, world-renowned psychologist and relationship expert, says that one of the predictors of divorce occurs when a person consistently attacks her partner's character rather than isolating the specific issues that are upsetting.

So, instead of saying, "Of course you didn't do the dishes again. You're lazy!"—which will either put your partner on the defense or make him retreat or resent you—try isolating the specific complaint or issue you have. You can say something instead like, "I feel frustrated when I come home to a sink full of dirty dishes. Can we set up a schedule for our chores so this doesn't happen again?"

6. Listen more and talk less.

When we're arguing, there's a tendency to talk more than to listen. We're so eager to get our feelings out, we may not even hear what our loved one is trying to express.

Batterson says that the person who has an issue is the one that needs to be listened to. She suggests that instead of immediately defending yourself, just listen and let your partner know that you heard them.

This approach is effective because it not only shows that you were listening, but that you understand what your partner was saying or where they were coming from. You're more likely to have a more productive dialogue instead of a full blowout argument when you just listen.

7. Change what you say—and how you say it.

The reality is that most of us recycle arguments and can almost exactly predict how our partner is going to respond, as if the discussion has been scripted.

If you want to fight better, change what you say—and how you say it. Batterson agrees, "It's a good thing for people to recognize their 'dialogue demons' so they can re-frame the argument, label it, and approach it differently. Instead of pointing the finger at the other person, they can ask themselves how they're contributing to the argument and try a new approach." The important piece is that you frame your argument with respect and kindness so that you give your loved one a chance to respond in kind.

8. Resist the urge to avoid the argument.

A lot of couples might keep it to themselves when they're mad at each other because they're scared of starting potentially relationship-threatening arguments. But a recent study found that avoiding these conversations is actually more likely to harm a relationship than help it.

The survey asked 935 people in committed relationships about how they handled conflict and how fulfilling and promising their partnerships were. The results were striking: People who talked through conflicts were 10 times more likely to be happy with their relationships. As for the people who stayed silent, those who blamed their partners for the lack of communication were more likely to be unhappy.

"Those thinking about raising sensitive issues with a loved one should weigh the possible risks of speaking up against the certain risks of not speaking up," said Joseph Grenny, the bestselling author and social scientist who conducted the study. "If you don't talk out problems, you tend to act them out — and as a result, problems not only persist, they actually get worse. The biggest mistake is to fool yourself into thinking that *not *talking about concerns reduces the risk of problems—it doesn't."

9. Put yourself in your partner's shoes.

Another key tip for addressing relationship issues effectively? Put yourself in your partner's shoes by brainstorming reasons why a sensible person might behave the way they did. It will help you better understand their actions.

10. Don't threaten to leave your significant other.

It's easy to let your emotions get the best of you, but try as hard as you can not to threaten to break up or get divorced. Regardless of whether you mean it, those words can leave a lasting impact on the person who hears them, and cause them to feel insecure in the relationship long after the fight is over.

11. Never resort to physical or emotional abuse.

If a fight with your partner has ever made you feel physically, emotionally, or psychologically unsafe, that's a major red flag, according to the experts. Couples fighting is healthy only as long as it stays fair and safe.