After Three Marriages, Vanessa Williams Has Some Relationship Advice for You

My second husband was six years younger than I was: When we got married, I was 36. At the time I worried about being too old, even though I was still very young. He was in the NBA, which is basically another kind of show business, though it was high profile in a way I hadn’t experienced before. We had a different set of issues from those of my first marriage, mostly because we weren’t on the same coast for most of it: He was on the road or out in Los Angeles, and after our daughter was born, I was on the East Coast, raising four children and flying across the country every two weeks.

Given our professions, proximity was a tremendous obstacle, so we had that issue on top of the age thing. But also, my expectations of a relationship had a really high benchmark because of my father. He was so good at everything: He could fix a car, he could do electrical work, he could build anything, he was a problem solver. He was also faithful, had incredible integrity, and was respected in his community. My father was my example of what I expected to find in a partner. And that’s impossible for anyone to live up to.

When my second marriage ended, I focused on working and raising my kids—my youngest went away to college only last year, and she was my first priority. I was also doing Ugly Betty and Desperate Housewives and performing on Broadway. In order for someone to understand what I do, they have to realize it’s a major time commitment. When you’re on set or doing eight shows a week, you’re just not available all the time. That’s a fact of my life.

On top of those demands on my time, dating was a challenge because I still had my daughter at home. Do I introduce a new person into her world when she’s a young woman going through changes? As a mom, there are a lot of danger zones and minefields, and you’ve got to be really careful. It’s not all about finding passion, love, and chemistry. It’s about, How does this work in my life? Or even, Will it work in my life?

Meeting Jim, my third husband, was completely unexpected. During a trip to Egypt—I go there often—the Egyptologist tour guide and I were talking about relationships and dating. She wound up sitting next to Jim on one of our excursions and thought we might hit it off. So I made the first move—he would never have approached me because I was with my daughter. I found out he was from Buffalo, which is also where my mom is from. We started talking, had dinner, and then it just continued from there. I forced myself to be open, to take a chance.

I think everyone who has come into my life has arrived there with a purpose, and all the people I’ve had relationships with have brought me joy in different aspects. When I met Jim, I realized he was someone who could be a solid role model for my daughter, who could support me and my career and be a part of running my household and my businesses. The bottom line is that my family and my children will always come first, and that was something he had to come to grips with for it to work. I’m not sure if he would consider it a sacrifice, but that’s our agreement.