A New Fifty Shades Teaser, Poster, and Excerpt Are Here, and None of Them Are Sexy

Today was Christmas come early for fans of the Fifty Shades franchise, but we're not sure we actually want these presents. For a franchise built entirely on sex, these sneak peeks at the upcoming Fifty Shades Darker were...well, not very sexy.

First, we have the teaser for the trailer (no, it's not a teaser trailer; it's a teaser for a trailer a.k.a. a trailer for a trailer.):

This video managed to convey in its 19-second duration:

-Sheriff Graham is looking at some fireworks (how Gatsby!).

-Dakota Johnson is wearing a shoe.

-There is a mask (how Eyes Wide Shut!).

-Sheriff Graham puts a mask on Dakota because, I guess, she cannot manage this simple task by herself.

And just in case you were wondering if, in fact, Dakota Johnson wears a mask in the movie, here's the just-revealed poster: